"I wish I'd been keeping a better record. Luckily, there are a few things on my blog. But, so much good has happened. My birthday was so awesome. Probably the best ever. We almost bought a spectacular house.
"But, tonight is the saddest of my life. John and I are officially separated. I never thought my life would turn out this way. Until August when he said he didn't want to be married to me, I had absolutely no clue this could happen. The kids are hurting. I am hurting. Max came over & gave the kids and I blessings. What a comfort! This is so hard. I love John so much."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry..only changing names and dates)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Journal entry: March 18, 2008
"Life is tough. Actually, it is getting easier. I have so many blessings & I know the Lord is aware of me & blessing me tremendously.
"I am so grateful for the great love John and I share. He has really been working at treating me well & I feel so much hope for us."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
"I am so grateful for the great love John and I share. He has really been working at treating me well & I feel so much hope for us."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
Journal Entry: February 22, 2008
"Well, I did go to the counselor today. It was good. I think it will help me. In some ways, he didn't say anything new, but it still helps me have some direction and focus.
"He asked me to be extra intimate in my affection - not sexual, but a loving touch or a 1-2 sentence comment.
"He also recognized the pattern of when things are good or hopeful it is "too close" for me, so I say something negative to push him further back. So true. He wants me to be careful to have no regrets-if the marriage ends, it will, but I can't look back & wish I'd been more loving or forgiving.
"He asked me to look up two scriptures - in Mathew about "Come unto me ye heavy laden" and in D&C regarding "a law irrevocably decreed in heaven."
"I really liked that we began with a prayer. I liked that he is a member of my church & can bring in gospel principles to our discussion & that he understands some of the things that have been difficult from this perspective. I like that I came out hopeful & not discouraged. I think it is worth my money."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"He asked me to be extra intimate in my affection - not sexual, but a loving touch or a 1-2 sentence comment.
"He also recognized the pattern of when things are good or hopeful it is "too close" for me, so I say something negative to push him further back. So true. He wants me to be careful to have no regrets-if the marriage ends, it will, but I can't look back & wish I'd been more loving or forgiving.
"He asked me to look up two scriptures - in Mathew about "Come unto me ye heavy laden" and in D&C regarding "a law irrevocably decreed in heaven."
"I really liked that we began with a prayer. I liked that he is a member of my church & can bring in gospel principles to our discussion & that he understands some of the things that have been difficult from this perspective. I like that I came out hopeful & not discouraged. I think it is worth my money."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Journal Entry: February 21, 2008
"Holy cow! I wonder if I have EVER gone this long without writing. I have absolutely no idea where to begin. The last 6 1/2 months..have been really tough. It has never been so difficult in all my life. Again, I don't know how much is appropriate to share - but it has been more difficult than you can imagine unless you happen to know the whole story. Just know my heart has never been so broken. Unfortunately, it has really taken a toll on me emotionally. I have changed a lot. I am more sensitive & more negative & pessimistic.
"Yet, on the other hand, I have NEVER been closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He knows me & that each tear is known to Him.... I am so incredibly grateful for Him. It is only through Him that I can be saved.
"I am so grateful for all the angels in my life that have buoyed me up. I have a very loving Bishop, supportive family & friends that are angels!
This whole experience has strengthened my testimony. I KNOW the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the church established by our Savior to help bring us closer to Him & allow us to return to our Heavenly Father again. One blessing of this trial is that I feel so clearly my own divinity. The veil is sometimes so thin.
Last week, I really almost lost all I've been fighting for, so I am actually going to see a professional counselor tomorrow. I am nervous about it. I haven't ever done this before. Also this week I have been trying to remember to "live the life you love" and "love the life I live."
"....It will be a great week. As far as my broken heart, I am healing a little at a time. I remember the Bishop saying at the beginning that there will be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. This has proved true. At least I know where to go to gain strength."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry, only omitting dates that would be identifying.)
"Yet, on the other hand, I have NEVER been closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He knows me & that each tear is known to Him.... I am so incredibly grateful for Him. It is only through Him that I can be saved.
"I am so grateful for all the angels in my life that have buoyed me up. I have a very loving Bishop, supportive family & friends that are angels!
This whole experience has strengthened my testimony. I KNOW the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the church established by our Savior to help bring us closer to Him & allow us to return to our Heavenly Father again. One blessing of this trial is that I feel so clearly my own divinity. The veil is sometimes so thin.
Last week, I really almost lost all I've been fighting for, so I am actually going to see a professional counselor tomorrow. I am nervous about it. I haven't ever done this before. Also this week I have been trying to remember to "live the life you love" and "love the life I live."
"....It will be a great week. As far as my broken heart, I am healing a little at a time. I remember the Bishop saying at the beginning that there will be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. This has proved true. At least I know where to go to gain strength."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry, only omitting dates that would be identifying.)
Journal Entry: December 6, 2007
"How blessed I am! Last night, for the first time, I realized that if I could go back...and have the option of going through this trial or avoiding it all, I would, finally, choose this trial, as I am so much closer to my Savior and so refined.
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Journal Entry: December 5, 2007
"...Really quick...regarding my situation-I've had a few answers this morning through prayer & scripture study that I feel I should write down.
- Review last General Conference notes.
- Allow Agency to work through kindness & unfeigned love = don't be critical!
- I asked Heavenly Father, "Can I make it through this?" And my answer was, "That's why I had to have you where you are 'cause I knew you could and not give up.
- Lord knows what decisions will probably be made & what will most likely happen, but....either way....HE has not given up hope. So...shall I? NO!"
Journal Entry: November 25, 2007
"I have only a very short time to write, but Jennifer and I went to the temple & then to lunch today. It was EXACTLY what I needed. I LOVE the great peace that comes from being in the house of the Lord. I went in with many questions regarding my situation & the Spirit did speak to me so much. Some things I learned-
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
- My kids' names need to be on the prayer roll. THIS SCARED ME - but it was a very clear impression.
- If I build on the Rock, the winds & storms will come, but I will stand still.
- When I weep, Jesus & Heavenly Father weep, too.
- It is going to get harder before it gets easier.
- All will be okay.
- It is not time to take drastic measures, but I will know when it is!
- Heavenly Father is happy I am striving to prepare.
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
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